I have realized the cause of my relatively recent minor misery. Let me tell you a story. I'll keep it short as I don't find joy in storytelling.
Two years ago, when I moved back to Saudi, I was feeling angry and helpless. Coming back here felt like giving up. I had plans that I worked so hard in hopes of turning them to reality. They simply didn't happen. There was a better plan for me. I was just too much in my head that I couldn't see past my ambition.
Here I am back to what I was supposed to call home with no desire to follow through with my intended career path. Going from one interview and crying out the door to the next one. I had no answers to their questions. The lack of desire to have a career in the investment and finance sector was apparent through my eyes. I have no poker face nor do I intend to make up one.
Two years later, here I am loving what I do and what I create. I have grown more than I ever expected in a relatively short time. Good things that I didn't expect happened. Also, good things that I expected to happen didn't happen.
I was planning to be gone by now, to be somewhere tropical and sunny. Two years ago I was comforting myself, sayings "just work hard two years and then you'll be out of here". However, I found happiness in this city. I connected with inspiring individuals. I have loved ones to care for here. And most of all, being here is a great opportunity for me to make a difference no matter how small. Even though I am happy with my life right now, subconsciously I was disappointed for not living the dream I promised myself two years ago. I realized that while I was reading Man's Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl (highly recommended). In the book, he describes how some of the prisoners of the concentration camps lost hope and died after Christmas when most of them expected to be back home by then.
I know that it is not fair to compare my struggles with those who suffered in Nazi camps, however, human behavior is similar on a certain level. As I was reading and rereading some paragraphs to understand them fully. I realized how pain is created when one is living in the past or dreaming of the future to find comfort from the painful reality, only to wake up in distress...
Both methods can provide instant relief and be effective in the short term. Real happiness is what we are after and that comes from living in the moment no matter what it provides. If it's painful, know that it is only temporary and embrace it. If it is a joyful moment, also know that it is temporary and embrace it.
So again, life had a better plan for me. I'm learning to let go and trust instead of trying to ignorantly shape my own fate.
"Man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognize that it is he who is asked"
- Viktor E. Frankl
I long to become the best version of myself. Currently, I aim to spread awareness on conscious living. Whether it comes in the form of veganism, practicing yoga, reducing your waste, or ethical shopping. We make decisions on a daily basis, which gives us an opportunity to act upon our life's purpose. I want to make decisions based on the impact they make on the universe as a whole regardless of any personal gains.
To practice yoga with complete devotion.
To create fearlessly as an expression of inspiration.
To transform my emotions into art.
To love generously.
To give for the sake of giving.